Well "yippee," I'm back again. I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm really just on the verge of giving up on love, maybe its not for everyone, huh? I mean i work pretty hard at trying to be a good bf....and i even get called perfect by a few, but even perfect isnt good enough. if perfection isnt good enough for someone what is? where is it i fail? why is it that i cant get out of this slump that i've been in for like 2 yrs now. I'm stuck in the same place i was so long ago and feel as though i havent taken one step forward in my life since. I'm going to fail this part i know, I'm not meant for a normal life yet thats what i try so hard to acquire. On the positive side no weird things happen to me, i can ball my eyes out and it doesnt rain....no weird moving objects or lights coming on or w/e other stuff would always happen. I'm normal now in that respect at least. Just really wish i had more friends, yet ive found no one smart enough to be one of my best friends up here. I have ame as my closest friend and i have nikk as one too but idk whats going on with her im a little scared. i cant really talk to her about alot of stuff since yeah she'll listen but idk if she would know what to do. I can dump on ame but ive stopped she bares too much already why make her bare more? ive made up my mind on that topic so theres really no convincing me there. so im pretty much all alone in my own self wallowing illusion. With all my heart i desire a bond with someone where i dont feel guilty for sharing my heart and they share back. i need a confidant, if it doesnt happen soon i might lose myself again and become as cold as i used to be maybe even worse......

OH btw here are some lyrics i fricken love, they very much define how i feel.

Script - Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cuz you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cuz I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

UHHHHH! i hate this part of life..... i mean what is it im supposed to do?  what do you do when a friend, a loved one, decides to change everything?  What do you do when you see a friend is on a very dangerous path and all you can do is spectate? I've been in this position before and i hate it.  I know from experiance i cant interfere here but if i dont this person will have nothing but regrets........but i know now ppl have to make these mistakes so that they cn learn.  i cant stand by this person and watch as little by little they lose themselves to me. I cant watch as someone i love does this and hurts themselve.  The scars visible dont hurt nearly as much as the ones that ly beneath the veil of the heart =/  Is it abandonment if i leave them?  My heart cant take it, i cant be asked to be put in this situation again.  if i leave them alone i feel like it'll be my fault if something bad happens, but if im with them i know i can change nothing.......confliction and contradiction is all i see.  i travel a twisted spire to nowhere, and i find its about time i got off.......

X_x omg.....what a long day. i house sat the pastors house with my friend chris, lol hes like 23 and datin my sister heather. whats so hilarious about this is hes exactly like me.  anyways we house sat and played call of duty for alotta the night, then we watched tv for a couple hours before goin to sleep. anyways, got up around nine and was non stop from then on. went from the pastors to my house and showered and took my mom into work, whos now at Jareds again. took her in and went to work from there. she works like 10 mins from me, but she had to work at 1030 whereas i had to work at 1130...........and she got in early @_@ so i sat in my flippin car for like an hour listenin to music and clocked in and got to work. well one of our team leaders called in sick like 20 mins or so before her shift, the other manager got pissy about it and called in another team leader. anyways, we were workin and Lisa (the manager) turns to me and asks if i can stay til 8..........o.o what? i realized i really didnt have anything else to do but if i said no they would most likely give me less hours for a couple weeks (but act like it wasnt because of this) anyways, so i call my mom tell her and let them know i can stay. so we are dead the WHOLE FRICKEN DAY, but its ok cuz i got one of my work buddies with me, well she leaves at 5 and my other buddy was basicly switching with her......well come to find out we've got too many workers, so the manager ( now tom) lets emily, my buddy that came in, go while i was running stuff around for customers......instead of letting me go, the guy whos been there for like 6 hours now. so yeah she had a 8 min shift lol. so now im kinda alone and i dont really talk to much to the ppl out front with me, cuz it was two chicks who are very improffessional and just a pain in my ass, cuz i know more about things in that store then they do and theyve both been there for over a year, theyre just extremely immature and pissed me off all night. ANYWAYS, slow night til like 25 old ppl came in IT WAS SO DISGUSTING, after like 4 i was trying to figure out if they escaped outta senior home and set it ablaze lol, but idk. got them done and got a free ice cream.....i didnt even get a break this entire time, so i stole an ice cream :P bastards. so, came home ate and now im layin down cuz the errect posture i was in all day killed me! I DONT STAND UP STRAIGHT, IM A GUY! so yeah.....FRICKEN BUSY DAY! =/ ugh

You've been caught in a lie!
You can't deny it!

So let the war begin
You're far from innocent
Hell I just don't know where it will end
You are the one to blame
You made a habit of
Fucking up my life.

Another fallacy
Is laid in front of me
Now I just don't know
What to believe
Another animal
Sent to devour what-
Ever's left inside.
I know now!

It's all been a lie
And I'll never come to know why
A world to discover
You leaving me now
It's all been a lie
I don't ever want to know why
You've mastered the art of
Deceiving me now.

A mortal enemy
Has been revealed to me
How come I wasn't able to see
Another vampire
Getting their fix from
Sucking up my life
An evil entity
Had taken hold of me
Ripped out my heart and started to feed
I still remember when
I thought that all you were
Eating was my pride

I know now!
It's all been a lie
And I'll never come to know why
A world to discover
You leaving me now
It's all been a lie
I don't ever want to know why
You've mastered the art of
Deceiving me now.

This idiot won't let me go
Slowly penetrating the mind
I'll tell you now
Little puppet you'll suffer me
You don't want let me go
Till I've taken over you life.
I'll ensure you'll survive
Little puppet don't die
Let me, let me die
Little puppet don't die
Let me, let me die
Little toy don't die

I know now!
It's all been a lie
And I'll never come to know why
A world to discover
You leaving me now
It's all been a lie
I don't ever want to know why
You've mastered the art of
Deceiving me now.

I know now!
It's all been a lie
And I'll never come to know why
A world to discover
You leaving me now
It's all been a lie
I don't ever want to know why
You've mastered the art of
Deceiving me now.

well i guess shes done commenting me or just been busy, idk. w/e. ANYWAYS, lives been gettin better....although with the deal i made im not sure how long itll last, but it can only go up afterwards. im glad for my Kawaii...it just sux that after this long, i dont even know what her hand....her face feels like. im horribly lonely and i feel like ive lost my best friend.......<_< prolly cuz i did, but i dont feel like discussing it anymore. ive made new friends and i cant think of a soul ive ever met who doesnt like me <_< except one but that doesnt count. well i hope what i did makes a difference for u but ull never know what i did, nothing bad....not for u anyways i just hope i dont end up hurt even more cuz of it nor nicole is hurt in anyways, esp by me. we'll have to see, all i can do is wait. im not sure but im super excited about college. im coming down to VA for one year then me and nikk are taking off to do college in FL. we've just started talking and idk whatll happen or if we're supposed to, we'll just have to look into  it and do what we feel is right, all i know is i dont wanna be in VA for long. im planning a trip to Japan in the not to distant future, hopefully i can talk nikks parents into me taking her. but first ive gotta get college straight first. WE'LL SEE WHERE THIS LEADS, just wishful thinking right now.

well, im done feeling sry for amy and for her not wanting to be my friend, w/e through it away idc. i get to take the joy of knowing what happens to u in the end, at least u get ur wish. well w/e ive tried to be considerate of her feelings and really not post alot about my feelings for nikk but i see shes pulling no punches so fine w/e. NIkks been the greatest to me, she actually treats me like a human being, shes so sweet and considerate plus loves to play games and likes my genres of music.....just gotta get her out of country which i think is happening as a reaction to my heavier rock. i realize now how amy talks about jason that she never was inlove with me, just stayed with me outta conveniance of our past and shared experiances. she hasnt loved me like shes in love with jason since......oh 3 yrs? so yeah, thats a long ass lie that really hurt but i guess she even convinced herself of it so i cant blame her. nikk however has always loved me, and can convince me she does with a simple i love you more than amy could while expressing her feelings to me. i am happy with my new life, though the parts without nikk are miserable. cuz when im without her my heart wanders to discover its STRONG dislike of amy. i cant believe i let her in again just to get hurt the exact same way she swore on her life she wouldnt do to me again......so i guess she has a death wish, but believe me i wont have to be the one to do anything. amy if ur reading this, if ur memory of me hasnt completely been thrown away ull recall im pretty good at calling these things......and ive gotten better. <_< ur not gonna like it, but u have a decision coming up in a while where u could defer from ur path....im not tellin u anything else other than that, but u dont believe me anyways, even though ive always hit it on the nail. as for u nikk u have a choice coming up to.....i think i know what ur gonna pick and ll be fine itll get a little rough but ull be fine and ill support u the whole way. oh and btw, i would like u to post why u got ur mother involved in this whole fiasco?and those lyrics u commented that i posted......those werent for u numbnuts they were for jason, ill let u figure out who its about. :P. anyways......what else, what else......hmmm, i know there was something...o.0. OH nikk, yes...ty again for staying up with me last night....even though it was only midnight XD but its all good, ty the same. i hope ur feelin better! id take care of u if i were there <_< and id take it from u if ud let me ya jerk........

oh.........and btw amy, the whole the lyrics are about u was a joke....if i took it out and uve already read it u wouldnt have noticed nor would u have realized if added the explaination afterwards so i added it here. i was jp.....i thought the :P would give it away but i wanted to make sure u didnt get pissed at me. oh, they arent about anyone, i just thought they sounded cool esp the way theyre sung in the song. u dont have to worry about it.

Remember and you might be welcomed
Amongst the heartless monsters you surround yourself with
Feeding off the pain and misfortune of others
A maniacal unit of sub-human parasites
Warped into a feeding frenzy at the smell of fresh blood
Open your eyes and see the creatures for what they are
A swirling mess of hatred and envy
Don't be naive enough to think you're unaffected
The conversion has already begun....

i thought it was cool........

.......list of "I hates" (its really dislikes).....

1. I hate ppl who are hypocritical

2. I hate ppl who are ignorant

3. I hate ppl who lie.......the more the lie the more i dislike them (i really dont hate anyone....i cant, its just a strong dislike)

4. I hate ppl who are fake

5. I hate ppl who actually hate

6. I hate ppl who thinkn theyre better than everyone else in every way

7. I hate ppl who distrust and are untrustworthy

8. i hate dishonesty

9. i hate ppl who are judgmental

10. i hate ppl who change the topic on a conversation to make them appear smarter or better then they really are.

11. i hate backstabbers
 
12. i hate ppl who are unsympathetic

13. I hate ppl with bad attitudes

14. i hate ppl who purposefully put others down

15. i hate ppl who manipulate others

16. I hate ppl who think theyre perfect (they think theyre too good to change)

17. i hate not being treated/treating others with equality

18. i hate ppl disagree just to disagree

19. i hate ppl who are lazy and cant do things for themselves

20. I hate ppl who are bossy and think they know whats better for ur own life

......yeah......no its is not against one person.....it is a list of bad traits i dislike in ppl and i figured id post to see if it changes in the future sometime.
 

these lyrics are applied to me via someone elses perspective.....not my own, but understood.

Imogen Heap - The Walk

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.

No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.

Freeze, awake here forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.